Trading Places: Storybrooke Style
by a-stranger-angel
Summary: Rumples is in a bad mood and is sick of Emma's lap dogs, Hook and Mad Hatter, basically making a mess of a town that finally settled down so he decides to do something about it. For his own enjoyment and to teach the boys a lesson he swaps their bodies, hilarity ensues. T for safety, rating may change. Hook/Emma, Hatter/Emma, some Rumple/Belle.
1. Chapter 1

Ok, so here's what happens. Basically Rumples is in a bad mood and is sick of Emma's lap dogs, Hook and Mad Hatter, basically making a mess of a town that finally settled down so he decides to do something about it. For his own enjoyment and to teach the boys a lesson he swaps their bodies, hilarity ensues. T for safety, rating may change.  
Dedicated to my room mate LiluraPS.  
And just a reminder, I own nothing. However, I would like to own Hook. If someone can make that happen shoot me a message, but until someone does just know I'm a broke college student writing this because my room mate asked me to and I'm not making any money from it.

This first chapter might be a little dull, since I am beginning at an imagined ended for the series there is a lot of set up involved so please stay with me for the prologue, after that we will get into the actual storyline, I just want to make sure you know where I'm coming from.

Prologue:

Storybrooke was never going to be the same again. That much was for sure, and not everyone was happy with the outcome. Cora was defeated, but not dead, that was perhaps the thing that frustrated people the most… well that and the fact that Regina still wandered around town free and clear didn't help either.

The town had begun to pick up its pieces, embracing the duality of their existence having been from a land of fairytales now fully adjusted to the life and comfort of the modern world, made even more comfortable now that magic was introduced again, though that did pose some problems. There was bringing the remnant of fairytale land into the modern world and teaching them how to live in it, and of course there was the rehabilitation for the villains of fairytale land, all of which was done through the Evil Regal Rehabilitation Center begun by, who better, Archie Hopper. He worked to help the newcomers, such as Mulan and Aurora, adjust to their new world and lifestyle as well as helping Cora and Regina come to terms with their struggles for love, their own twisted relationship, and of course the darker roots of their magic. While Cora was under complete surveillance Regina seemed to have taken the entire situation in stride, though Henry helped. Henry gave her something to strive for as she was given enough psychological clearance to be able to return to her own home, and have visitation with her adopted son. Their relationship was much better as well, now that she was keeping her promises, even refusing to use magic outside the Evil Regal Center where she was learning, slowly, how to put it to better use.

Emma was, surprisingly, okay with it all, after having a consultation with Archie that is, who informed her that it was good for there to be a relationship between her son and the woman who raised him for his entire life. What she wasn't so sure she was okay with was Henry learning magic.

With Storybrooke embracing its fairytale roots as well as its new world there were a lot of new things the children of the town needed to learn. Like magic, a course taught once a week by none other than a reformed Mr. Gold, reformed mostly at least. Belle had forced him into rehabilitation at Evil Regal herself, and he succeeded in his new role… most of the time. Enough to talk Belle into moving back in with him and out of Granny's, though not always enough to keep himself out of trouble enough to keep from having to sleep at his shop at least once every couple of weeks.

Perhaps the biggest adjustment, though, came from Hook who, while still not on the best of terms with Mr. Gold, was able to put aside his vengeance kick. He had bigger things in mind. Bigger treasures to get his hands… err… hand and hook on. Things like a pretty blonde Sherriff who was the first woman to be able to give him a run for his money in a long time. She was able to show him up time and time again. But she wasn't the only one. There was also that blasted, bloody Mad Hatter fellow who kept bumbling in at the worst moments, stealing her attention. He was getting tired of the same routine of hat tricks and smiles so odd it was impossible for Hook to tell whether they were supposed to be creepy or charming. They seemed to be charming. This, he decided, had to end. He was going to have to take matters into his own hands.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys, ok, now we can get to the actual story, you know all the basics now and the rest should be pretty easy to pick up on if I end up writing something in I haven't already informed you about, so let's get crackin'!

Just a couple reminders:  
No I don't own OUAT or any of its characters. Would I like to? Hell yeah. Anyone who would like to have Hook shipped to me in a refrigerator box is more than welcome to. Message me and we will figure something out. ;P

Thanks guys and enjoy!

Chapter 1:

"You bastard, no. No! Get back here!"

They were at it again. It had been going on for weeks now, one thing leading to the next. This time Hook was hookless, chasing a madly giggling Hatter through the town who had it clutched in his hands as all the townfolk watched, certain that sooner rather than later someone was going to lose an eye.

They had passed ridiculous two weeks ago when Emma had actually had to arrest the both of them for having a literal pissing contest on the clock tower in the middle of town in broad daylight, escorting them both into the cramped back of her VW Bug that was still trying to operate as a makeshift police car as Hook tried to whisper innuendos about better things they could be doing with the two of them and some handcuffs into her ear as he leaned forward as far as he could in his seat and Hatter mumbled riddles about ravens and writing desks, and crumbs in butter between proposals for dinner the night after he is paroled. Unfortunately a night in the five by five cell they had to share had not done much to cool their rivalry as Emma walked into the station the next morning to find two grown men thumb wrestling for her affection.

That is when she decided enough was enough, she was through seeing either of them until they decided to grow up.

But her decision did not stop them from trying. And her decision did not stop their fighting either.

She had already been called in to end the usual cock fights, antics, and even a series of midnight duels for her hand or over her honor, or over which one had the right to take her honor (even Hook and Hatter were a little fuzzy over the details of that one). But this, this was getting out of hand and someone was going to get hurt.

It was Snow who came up with the solution.

"You know, dear, they are only doing this because you haven't made a decision or really given them a chance. If this was fairytale land then they would have come to your father or I to ask for your hand and the whole thing would have been sorted out that way, but its not."

"And a good thing too or the only thing being sorted would be someone sorting out what body parts belonged to what man by the time I was through with them."

Snow rolled her eyes at her daughter and continued, "But its not. And they don't really know how to act or do this sort of thing in this world. You know I'm not fond of either man but, please keep an open mind with me for just one moment. Remember that while Jefferson was here throughout the curse he was a little preoccupied with Grace and was cursed by never being able to fully integrate with this world. He had both places floating around in his head as he tried to figure out what the truth was. And Hook? Well he never existed here at all until Cora brought him over. And I highly doubt he ever had to work hard to seduce a woman, even in fairytale land. I mean you see, dear, how the girls react when it comes to him. Besides the fact that he doesn't seem the type to ever have had to court a woman properly before, he's never done it in his home world, let alone here."

Emma opened her mouth to protest but closed it as Snow held up a hand and continued, "I know it's a lot to think about but if you give them a chance it might be easier. Heaven forbid I'm not asking you to marry either of these men, but maybe this would give them the closure they need to move on and bother another woman, or maybe it will help you see a side of them you like. You can't deny that you find them attractive. I know you do. So go ahead. What's the worst that could happen? They can't do anything much worse then what they are doing already."

It was that talk from a couple days before that had Emma walking quickly as she could across the street, tripping Hatter before he could get away, watching him fall flat on his face at her feet. "Em… Em… Emma! Here, a token for you of my… affections" he said as he offered her Hook's pseudo hand like a bouquet of the finest, rarest flowers.

"That's right, love, arrest that miscreant. He is a public menace! He stole my hook! And once you're done with that maybe I could take you out to dinner, a reward for returning my hook to me. And, if you still have those handcuffs and that tube of whipped cream I know you bought last Sunday at two from the grocer's maybe we could have a little dessert and a tour of my ship. Its rather large and I think you'd find the captain's quarters to your liking."

"No. And hell no." Emma grumbled as she accepted the hook from Hatter only to toss it at its owner, not the slightest bit disappointed as it cut a thin line across the man's only remaining palm. "But I have been given some advice so I need to have a word with the both of you. Now. Move it, it's time we sorted this whole thing out once and for all.


	3. Chapter 3

Welcome again! Just a quick reminder and we can get on with the story.

I do not own OUAT or any of the characters. I would however like to own Hook. If you can make that possible let me know and I will be forever grateful. I also would not be above borrowing, begging, or stealing Hook even if only for a limited time. I just have a theory he would go very nicely with my bed and that he would look amazing on me, or is it that I would look amazing on him? Regardless, I would like to test this theory so any help you could give would be amazing. :P

Anyway, on with the story.

Chapter 2:

Emma sat at her desk, an impossibly large cup of coffee in her hands, but one that would never be large enough to get her through what needed to be done, and needed to be said. "Ok, so here is the deal, the two of you have been a pain in the ass since… forever. Or rather, Hook has been a pain in my ass since I met him and Hatter, you've been a pain since whenever it is you decided to start following me around. So here is the deal. What is it going to take to get the two of you to leave me the hell alone?"

She had hoped for a moment of silence, for a moment of contemplation, maybe an apology followed by everyone going off on their merry way leaving her to get her work done in between casual daydreams of both of the men in front of her. They were handsome even under the cheap fluorescent lighting of the station, that she had to admit but she was sick of constantly arresting them for being general town nuisances.

She wasn't that lucky though. With barely a moment's pause the men were at it again.

"See. Dibs. I have been in love with Emma since the moment we met. I have her first."

"I saw her first."

"Seeing is not the same as loving. Ask anyone you half witted, mercury stained, lunatic! And by the way your hat is stupid."

"Now that is the final straw. My hat is not stupid! And Emma is mine!"

The fight was a short one, with Hatter's fist smashing into Hook's nose knocking him backward before lunging on top of the other man who now lay spread out on the floor of Emma's office as Hatter tried to bash in his face. But even that was not enough to keep Hook down for long, he was used to fighting men with no qualms about fighting dirty, flinging the other man onto his back instead he used his one real hand to hold both of Hatter's over his head, pressing the sharp tip of his hook to Hatter's jugular before leaning in.

"The only reason you aren't dead right now is because I'd hate to leave a mess for Emma to have to clean up but one word from her and you are done. Understood? I have nothing against destroying worthless trash like you."

"STOP!" Emma was fuming. It was one thing to do this in a public place, but right here, in front of her, after she had already stopped one of their fights? This was too much. "Stop, the both of you. This has gone too far. Hook, get off of him. Both of you sit your asses down in those chairs and shut up. If I hear one more thing from either of you it will be the last thing you ever say. Got it?"

Quiet, not even a grumble or an innuendo, Hook got to his feet, shuffling over to a chair in front of Emma's desk, sitting down he even had the decency to look at least a little ashamed of his actions. That alone told Emma exactly how terrifying she looked in that moment as Hatter got to his feet as well, wiping a bit of blood dribbling down the side of his neck from the hook scratching him with the paisley sleeve of his favorite shirt before sitting back down.

"Here's the deal. You are obviously not going to listen to a thing I say or let me shake you off until I give you a sporting chance at least. So here it is. You want a chance to try and 'win my hand' then you've got it. One week. I will date both of you, but it is up to me which one of you I choose or if I choose either of you at all. Got it? I will try to keep an open mind about this, but I have the right to be pissed off at the two of you. Have you realized what you've been doing to this town? As soon as we began to get a modicum of peace and something that resembles normalcy, or as normal as this town could ever be, the two of you decide to come in and screw shit up. And worst of all while it is me you are trying to get to I'm the one who keeps having to clean up the messes you idiots cause. So get your heads on straight or I will be booting both your asses to the curb where, right now, I am pretty sure they belong. Got it?"

A new fire was in the eyes of both men as they tried to listen and simultaneously plot out what they were going to do to woo the woman in front of them, biting back everything on their minds they just nodded, still a little afraid of making her even more upset at them than she already was. Too much was on the line to screw something up after the last debacle. After all, Hook's face still looked like it had been pulverized, which it very nearly was, and if this was Sunnydale you'd have thought that some vampire had tried to take a bite out of Hatter. Now was no time to try to tick her off anymore.

"Good. Now get out of my office. I don't want to see either one of you until Monday. Hatter, I will meet you for tea at Granny's Monday at 2pm. Hook, I will see you Monday for dinner at your ship at 7pm. Now get out of here, I've got to clean up your latest mess."

"This is all your fault, you know, you mad bumbling imbicile," Hook began as soon as his boots hit the cement outside the station. "You know she only set up this whole situation to get rid of you."

"No. How do you know it was not to get rid of you? You may have loved her first but I knew her first."

"Yes, because you drugged her! You drugged her and kidnapped her and her mother! I'm sure that you really made a wonderful first impression!"

"Yes, I'm sure I did, CARPENTER! Yeah, I know about that. Everyone does. Lying to her from the get go, that usually works to earn love. At least I was honest!"

"Yeah for all the good it will do you."

"At least I didn't bring Cora here. What really is this all about? You were screwing her, weren't you. You were her little lap dog, and Regina's too, I wouldn't be surprised. You are just like the two of them. What is it now? Trying to destroy her. Trying to be the next big bad now that Regina is reformed and Cora is on the way to that or her death? You just want to gain her trust and destroy her. Admit it! Admit it you bastard!" Hatter had Hook by the throat now, pressing him up against the wall of Gold's shop.

Hook flipped them, throwing Hatter against the large window looking into the shop, "I've had quite enough out of you." Past caring what Emma or anyone else would think, let alone his own rehabilitation Hook raised his hook slamming it down to bury deep in the other man's skull, only to have Hatter squirm away at the last moment, leaving Hook driving the sharp edge into Gold's window instead, leaving it to shatter inward, spraying Gold, all of his merchandise, and worst of all Belle in glass.

Scales ruptured out of skin to cover him as he stalked forward toward the men on the other side of the now shattered window, flicking energy out and back at Belle, healing the slices up her left arm and forehead leaving not even the slightest scar behind. "What. Do. You. Think. You've. Done." Rage rippled off of him in thick waves slapping against them again and again. Reaching out with his magic he gripped each man by the throat, lifting them up until their feet dangled off of the ground by at least three feet. "I'm about to teach you rodents a lesson I doubt you will ever forget." He reached out with his power, twisted magic of one part gold and one part black digging deep into each of them as the men twisted in midair. "I'm surprised, Hook, that you haven't learned that lesson already. I suppose you were just too hard headed to get the message the first time around. And Jefferson, or do you prefer Hatter? You worked with me for years, helped me create Regina, I would have thought you would have understood by now what happens to those who get in my way, let alone those who touch what I love."

Belle walked forward, cautiously crossing a minefield of shattered glass, to lay a hand on Gold's arm. "Rumple, I think that's enough." Her voice was stern, obviously upset with his use of power but it was also obvious that she understood. They scared him. He was still protective from losing her time and time again and hated to see her hurt, let alone left bleeding on the floor of his shop.

At her words Gold let them drop to the ground. "And by the time you realize what's been done it will be too late to do much about it," his words were punctuated by his tell tale giggle of glee, "have fun…" With that he turned on his heel to face Belle. "I'm going to be spending the night at the shop, aren't I?"

Belle nodded as she turned to leave, "yes, yes you are. And it's a shame to. I had plans for us tonight, but I guess I will just have to enjoy it all on my own. Have a good night, Rumple, darling."


	4. Chapter 4

A couple announcements before we get going again.

First of all thanks for all the love and support from all of you, it's really appreciated.

Secondly, just a reminder, I own squat. I do not own OUAT, any characters, any anything. I would, however, love to get my paws on Hook so if you could oblige me and send him to me I would much appreciate it.

Moving on now.

Chapter 3:

Hook rolled over in bed, wondering why the water was so still, but determined to not question it. It could only mean good things when his morning did not have to begin with a bout of sea sickness or falling out of his berth at the lashing of a particularly choppy wave. Eyes still closed he reached out, groping for his hook, knocking over a slew of things in the process. "Bloody hell." Opening his eyes he saw things were not quite as he left them. He was blinded by the color, the patters covering the walls, covering the floors, covering everything. Groaning he brought his hands to his eyes, only to realize.

Hands. He had two of them.

Things were worse than he had realized upon looking around. He ran his hands over his face, cataloguing everything. Strange colors, strange patterns, hands, no stubble, cleft chin, perpetual pout, broody forehead, shit. Throwing back the covers and racing to the mirror he fought to bite back a scream that was decidedly unmasculine. He was in Hatter's body.

Stumbling backward from the mirror he tried to ignore the fact that the mad man slept in the nude, focusing instead on the more important problem at hand.

If he was in Hatter's body it was highly likely Hatter was in his.  
It was Monday meaning the day they were supposed to have their dates with Emma.  
Fuck.

Digging through drawers and closets that led into bigger rooms and smaller rooms and doors that seemed to take him from one side of Hatter's house to the other, including a room full of windows that made him sure he had just flashed and mooned the entire neighborhood he found some pants before flopping down on the bed again. Running his hands over his face he groaned into them, "How the bloody hell am I supposed to seduce Emma if I'm not even in my own bloody body?"

Then it dawned on him. There was no need to play nice. Hatter wouldn't so why should he? Hatter was supposed to be meeting Emma for tea at 2pm, he would go instead and sabotage Hatter's chances. Then all he had to do was try to get back into his own body before his date with her at 7pm. Perhaps a little visit to Miss Belle would be in order.

"Jefferson, are you sure you're okay? You've seemed strange, well stranger than usual since you showed up."

She was good. Too good. He had hoped she would be able to write off just about anything he did as Hatter as just another of the fool's oddities but apparently, and to Hook's severe displeasure, she knew the mad man better than he had realized. And worse, she knew him well enough to be able to tell what the man's real little quirks were and which things were actually plans of sabotage. It was time for a distraction, but a little extra sabotage wouldn't hurt either.

"Crumbs in the butter! There are crumbs in the butter!" Screamed Hook as he threw himself backward in mock fright, flinging the table over, throwing lukewarm tea into Emma's lap. He couldn't help but be at least somewhat pleased at is perfect aim as the contents of the tea table covered her front and she fell backward. He hated to see her upset, but remembering it wasn't actually directed at him made it a little easier.

"Jefferson! What the hell was that?"

Deciding to just keep it simple and play off the less eloquent, more manic side of Jefferson. This would make life simpler as well while he bit back innuendos and forced himself to keep from staring at her now soaked and tea stained white shirt she wore under her typical red leather jacket that, for the moment, was safe on the back of her chair.

"Ravens. Writing desks."

"What the fuck, Jefferson. I'd be the first to admit that you can be a little crazy at times but this is not like you. Seriously. You haven't said one thing about Grace today, and you normally can't get through a conversation without at least some mention of her and you are always more careful than this, especially when it comes to you and your precious tea. I think… I think this is over for right now. I have better things to do than handle you when you're like this." Walking out the front door Emma called back to Granny and Red behind the counter, "Sorry for the mess, I… I think I need to get back to the station."

Hook leaned back in the chair, waiting, with a smirk containing just a touch too much pirate on Jefferson's stolen lips as he watched for Emma to leave before throwing an extra generous tip on the table. He might be a pirate but he wasn't heartless when it came to a couple of women who would have to clean up a mess that large. Particularly when it wasn't his money he was being generous with.

Giving a salute he walked out the door and headed for the library. He had a certain young librarian to meet. Granny and Red looked at each other with distinct concern. Something was just not right about that one, less right even than usual with that one.

Belle had her arms full, humming quietly to herself as she restocked shelves. People were glad for the knowledge in the old place now that it was available again. Though it made sense, looking back on it, why the library had been closed up before. It didn't just contain the stories of the world they lived in now, it contained those of the old one too. Stories and histories and magic lined the shelves, the good and the bad. There were books that filled Belle with delight just to hold and others she cringed to touch.

"Belle!" Hook shouted at the top of his lungs, watching as the beauty almost toppled from her perch on one of the ladders that allowed her to reach the tops of the taller shelves. He was relieved that she caught herself, though, he was not into being on the receiving end of Gold's wrath… again, even if it was received while in another man's body. "That bloody bastard of a man you have has buggered up everything!"

"Jefferson?" Belle inquired as she traipsed down the ladder, "you don't usually speak like that, what's going… Hook." The remaining books in her arms crashed to the ground as she backed away from him. She didn't trust the man, not since his little visit to her while she was under lock and key with Regina. "Wha… what do you want? Why are you in Jefferson's body?"

Belle was biting back panic, her already large eyes even wider as she left her precious books on the floor and backed away as slowly as possible trying to find her way behind the counter where there were a number of buttons, like those found in a bank. One to summon the Sherriff in case of emergency and one to call her Rumple in case she needed something. The second was the one she needed. While inviting Gold over with Hook there, in any form, and while she was afraid was just inviting trouble but she didn't want to be alone with him.

"Now just relax, pet. I'm not here to hurt you. I just need a favor. That bloody bastard switched me and that imbecile around and I've got a hot date with my girl tonight. I need you to convince him to get us sorted. I know you can." Hook came closer, a leer on his lips that seemed completely out of place on Jefferson's face. "We all know you've got him all tied up between your legs, luv. He'll do anything you ask."

"Will I now?" Mr. Gold stood in the door of the library, leaning on his cane, "and what makes you so sure of that? I believe I had a young man in a similar predicament to yours on my doorstep earlier this morning asking me to do just the same thing you're asking Belle here. He just had the decency to ask me to my face instead of intimidating someone else into doing it for him. However, I will tell you what. Let's make a little deal, shall we?"

There was little more Hook could do but nod as Gold continued. "You never bother Belle again, you stop being a thorn in my side and get your act together and in exchange I will tell you how to break the spell, as remember dearie, all spells can be broken."

"Deal."

"Good. I thought you would say that. Now as all spells this one is simple enough to break. All that needs to happen is Emma getting a kiss from her one true love. Now ah ah ah. I know what you are thinking, why is the kiss for Emma and not you or that Jefferson? Because it is because of your mooning over Miss Swan. And, my favorite part? Her true love might be neither of you." That statement was punctuated by his high pitched giggle before he continued. "Meaning you will both be stuck in each other's bodies until she finds who ever her true love is. And in a land where happily ever after isn't guaranteed who knows when that might be."

"Wait you bastard. What do you mean, this isn't fair."

"Maybe you should have thought of that before you wrecked my shop and bothered Belle. And life here isn't fair, isn't that something they taught you in those rehabilitation classes? Now, unless you'd like to have me make your task a little harder by turning you into a frog I'd suggest you find somewhere else to be. Now."

Hook straightened as he walked out the door. There was still a chance. He could be her true love. Now he just had to find some way to prove it. And to figure out whether she had to kiss him or his body for it to count. Either way, everything was about to get much more interesting.

Meanwhile, in the library Gold wrapped his arms around Belle's waist as she pulled him into a tight embrace, pressing a kiss to his lips. "Does this mean I can come home tonight?"

"Most definitely."


End file.
